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Do You Want Sex More Than Your Partner?

Society has always spread the myth that men want sex more than women. In television and movies, heterosexual relationships are shown to be men pestering women in bed to have sex and the women refusing. Falsehoods like this can impact many women as they feel “unsexy” and “unattractive” if they want sex more frequently than their partner. We want to reassure you that it’s completely normal if you are the one in your relationship who wants sex more often than your partner. This counts for all relationships cis, trans, same-sex. 

All our bodies are different and regardless of gender, external factors impact our libido differently. For example, when under stress, some individuals crave sex more and see it as a helpful stress relief while other people find they are unable to become aroused or get “the tingle” if they are under stress. This can occur within a relationship meaning one person wants to have sex while the other doesn’t. What is important is that you’re communicating in your relationship. Both sides can feel misunderstood and upset if there isn’t healthy communication. 

Another factor that can effect sex drive is concerns about weight. As we get older our bodies change and naturally many of us put on more weight than when we were younger. When we’re in busy jobs and climbing the ladder, there is less time to exercise so this again can contribute to us feeling we’ve put on weight. A lot of men are impacted by weight concerns. It can feel very isolating to feel like we’re not as “healthy” or “slim” then we used to be. Many men feel embarrassed to express this concern to their partners and will instead use different reasons to avoid having sex. 


Here’s some tips that might help support your relationship when these concerns arise: 

  • Tell your partner! Whether you are the one wanting more sex or the one finding it difficult to become aroused, tell your partner. When we don’t know what’s going on, we may try and figure out the problem ourselves which can lead to negative conclusions about ourselves or our partner. Being honest is always best and will mean you can try and find some solutions. 
  • Simple solutions can sometimes be best. If you want sex more frequently than your partner, why not spend some time alone practicing “self-love.” This can take the pressure off your partner and help them to discover when they feel aroused and what can encourage them to feel ready for sex. Why not try going for a night away? Taking some time away from your home and the day-to- day can help release stress and put the mind in a place where it can prioritise romance and sex. 
  • Practise sexual self-care. This is more than remembering to use contraception and lubricant. Make time for sex - why not put aside Saturday afternoon to spend time together? Sometimes knowing you’re going to have sex and having a build up can help with arousal. It also helps you to prepare - if you like to shower beforehand, set the scene with candles and rose petals, if you feel “sexier” after you’ve shaved your legs etc. Putting aside some time for romance can also take the pressure off instantly getting in the mood. Maybe you just practice some foreplay and have sex next time? By taking off the pressure, you can discover what naturally triggers arousal and not be concerned about being “ready” for sex. 


Our libidos change throughout our lives, there is no “normal” amount of sex, it’s whatever feels most comfortable in your relationship. Healthy relationships allow us to grow and change - just remember to be completely honest - being vulnerable with your partner can also trigger intimacy and arousal. If you’d like to explore the world of sex and arousal more, we highly recommend reading Emily Nagoski’s book Come As You Are: The surprising new science that will transform your sex life. 

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